| The Born Identity |
| Blazin Blogs - Nikki | |||
| Written by Nikki D. Washington - www.GlowMagazineOnline.com | |||
| Friday, 05 June 2009 19:26 | |||
 “As she kept on praying to the LORD, Eli observed
her mouth. 13 Hannah was praying in her heart and her lips were moving
but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk 14 and said to
her, "How long will you keep on getting drunk? Get rid of your
wine." 15 "Not so, my lord," Hannah replied, "I
am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or
beer; I was pouring out my soul to the LORD. 16 Do not take your servant
for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish
and grief." 17 Eli answered, "Go in peace, and may the God
of Israel grant you what you have asked of Him.” 1 Sam 12-17 (NIV) It’s been a tough couple of weeks. Family tripping over petty stuff. Friends talking in circles. People who normally ‘get me’ totally misreading the consistency of my actions. Co-workers speaking to me in riddles instead of just being direct. Last week I actually found myself wanting to tell everyone where to go and how to get there. And I know I’m not supposed to say that, but that’s just how I was feeling. I can’t explain it but it seemed as if out of no where; I was catching hell from all sides. Yeah, if I could sum up how I was feeling, I'd have to call it: Hannah-ish. And yeah. It’s a word (smile). And I’m sure after some of you check my definition; you’ll feel me here too. Let’s review facts: If you read 1 Samuel and the story of Hannah, you’ll see Hannah dealing with all kinds of misgivings. Frustrated because God has shut her womb. Her “frienemy” Peninnah is taunting her. The man of God, Eli, misreads her silent heart. Even her husband can’t get why she’s sad, and questions Hannah’s heart for him as he offers himself as a cure-all to her barrenness. To the people all around Hannah she looked cursed. Empty. Half-hearted. Un-sober. Unsupportive and even unloving. Oh, but God. But God! I’m so glad that God sees what we can’t. I’m so glad that God doesn’t see our imperfections and deem us unessential. I’m so glad God doesn’t leave us high and dry. I’m so glad God’s not like me. Yeah, Me. Growing up I had what some would call the “gift of good-bye.” Understand, it wasn’t that I wanted to say “good-bye.” It was just how I was forced to exist. Being a former military brat, my whole life was centered around leaving. My WHOLE life. Picture it: As soon as you’re comfortable, it’s time to move. As soon as you make new friends, you’re pulled away. Always traveling. Always readjusting. Never staying for the end. Never. And as life would have it, over the years my illusiveness became my barrenness. Just as Hannah, I too had the inability to produce. Only as where she couldn’t produce a child; I couldn’t foster intimacy for the fear of… And whether it was family, friends, or suitors, surface is where I kept it. Then a week and a half ago almost to the day, God began to provide clarity. Seeing yourself is often painful, but always necessary. And in seeing me, I realized how my old ways were keeping me barren as it pertained to the people around me. I could be the most candid person in the world on paper, yet ran from the vulnerability that often came with public display. My heart was to connect, yet my mind said ‘be rationale.’ My heart said ‘give’ but my intellect said, ‘only so much.’ My spirit said, ‘be open’ yet my mind cautioned ‘don’t be a fool.’ And so this wrestling went on inside of me, much to my chagrin. And then the simplest truth fell in my lap: if you keep doing what you’re doing. You’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Now is that deep? Not really. Life changing? For me it was. Almost instantly, armed with that knowledge I did something that I had never done. I asked God to do for me as He’d done for Hannah, and open my womb. I asked Him to remove from me, anything in me that would prove a hindrance. And then knowing faith without works is dead, I took it a step further and put feet to my faith. Instead of running, I faced life. I decided my ambiguous speech was overrated. No one can speak in rhyme forever. I decided to say what was in my heart, unfiltered for a change. I decided I was no longer going to allow fear to cause me to leave, when my heart has always been to stay. I decided I was no longer going to allow myself to be misunderstood because I was too stubborn to be completely transparent in the first place. In short, I made up in my mind that I was going to reclaim my born identity as His daughter, that I might in turn birth the blessing. And yeah, I know in striving I may miss it at times. I may fall flat on my face in fact, but who cares. At least I can say I went for it. And really, that in itself is a victory. So, to all of the Hannahs out there, stay encouraged. People may misread your heart. You may feel as if God doesn’t hear you. You may even feel as if you’re your greatest hindrance, but trust. It’s all working together for you. Know that not only does He hear, but He’s the one behind the test. And you won’t always get it right. Really, we’re all allowed frailties and mistakes. But just continue to seek Him. Allow Him to birth in you what was there all along. Remember, it’s the Lord’s doing. And it is marvelous in our eyes (smile). Ready to deliver? Nikkia Danielle Washington, Hannah-ish (smile).
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